Inside Out Parenting by Dr Holan Liang

Author:Dr Holan Liang
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Pan Macmillan UK

Don’t touch!

It is very easy to observe a child’s impulse control, or largely, lack of it! Most adults are able to control their immediate urge to do something in order to avoid punishment or hold out for a greater reward. For instance, most of us are able to save money in order to buy something expensive, or to wait our turn rather than push into a queue (particularly if we are British). Most toddlers are not able to do this, and if you put a new ‘toy’ in front of them, they will try and grab it even if you tell them not to. Parents of one- and two-year-olds quickly become dextrous at clearing a big radius around their table when they take their kids out to a restaurant.

Sometime between toddlerdom and adulthood, the ability to control impulses develops and strengthens. The earlier a child develops this impulse control, the better they will be perceived, because they will be less likely to do things such as touch things they shouldn’t, shout out in class, push in to queues, interrupt other people and run across the road without looking. People tend to like children more if they don’t do these things.

You can easily observe your child’s ability to control impulses by taking them into a fancy department store or, if you are more daring, a china shop. Immediately, you will be telling your child not to touch anything. Then see how long they last. If you really want to test them, you can mix it up a bit. Say, ‘If you don’t touch anything, I’ll buy you some chocolate on the way out,’ and see if they fare any better, or you can up the ante on the temptation front by taking them to a sweet shop and expecting them not to touch. That would be very cruel indeed!

Cruel, though, is what researchers often are when in the pursuit of answers, and they actually do this test in their labs. They leave a cupcake directly in front of the child, on the promise that they will get two cupcakes as a reward for leaving this one alone and not eating it. As expected, older children find this easier. This test is very easily replicable at home for anyone who wishes to be so mean (or who has plenty of cupcakes to be eaten). Repeated exposure to this type of scenario, where there are clear rewards for waiting a tiny bit longer for something, can help to train your child’s impulsivity. The earlier and more frequently children are encouraged to wait, the better they will learn that it is possible. They will learn that they can tolerate the wait, that they can cope with it and that good things often come to those who wait. Once they learn this, they will be better motivated to hold out and control their impulses the next time.

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